This month has been rough on me, and I'm not going to deny that I haven't been exactly happy. For those of you who do not yet know, my doctor appointment did not goes well, I found out that we lost the baby. I spent about a week crying off and on. Usually triggered by someone asking about how I was doing or asking about the baby, and when I had nothing to preoccupy my thoughts. This is my second loss, my first pregnancy actually ended in a loss at 12 weeks, but I can tell you that it doesn't get any easier. It is still your child, someone you love and care about. A mother's love is really amazing, the moment she finds out she is pregnant, she falls in love all over again. There is no way to ever explain how it happens, it just happens. So now I am left with baby fever, and having to wait to try for another. Jodie wants to do it 'right' next time. It annoys the piss out of me that I have to wait.

I'm hoping that I can get everything in its place, so I can start school in the Spring, April 5, to be exact. I've already put in an online application, and I've got to file for my financial aid. Going back to school is the best thing I could ever do for Joshua and any of my children in the future. I am hoping that I will graduate in 2 years, that way I can go ahead and start trying for another baby. I don't want to be to much older having children. I'm hoping I can go ahead and get into the nursing program as soon as I finish more core classes, that way I don't have to wait forever to get things finished.

This past Friday, we finally got Joshua's diagnosis. He is High-Functioning Autistic. I did not cry like I thought I would, the diagnosis could have been a lot worse. They are predicting that in just a couple of years that 1 in every 10 children will be diagnosed with some form of autism. Right now, I do believe it is 1 in every 40 children. Science has come a long way since the first official diagnosis in the 1940's. British have known and acknowledge this disorder a lot longer that the US. The US finally acknowledged Autism as being a disorder in the 1980's. Imagine how many children and adults who have went undiagnosed through all these years. Imagine all the people who ended up in the insane asylums years ago, just because they think in a different way as that of an average person who is not on the specturm. A long time ago, different was not accepted, it was feared, and it is absolutely dreadful of what they did to the individuals that did not fit in with society. No one knows the reason for why Autism occurs, there are many different IDEAS of why it may happen, ideas from genetics, to pollution, to the MMR vaccination, brain damage from high fever, mercury in fish, etc... There is no cure, there are medications that those who have autism can take to help them better focus and to help them not act out as much.

If you suspect that there is something not quite normal with your child compared to other children his or her age, I would definately suggest looking into the cause. It takes so long to get an appointment to have a child tested that it is important to make an appointment as soon as possible. It will help make way for a child to get the help the need.

Joshua is about to turn 4 years old in a few days. He is getting so big, he's about 42in. tall & 42lb. He has come a long way with his speech and occupational therapy. He's talking more than he did just months 6 months ago. His vocabulary has increased. He's helping out more with chores, picking up toys & laundry. He is still taking riding lessons. Joshua's grandma bought him a pony, Pheonix, and a 8 month old cold, Expresso, for Christmas. It's one of his favorite activities. He still puts puzzles together, he has several 25 piece puzzles, but they are very easy for him. He's getting two 100 piece puzzles for his birthday that he does not know about, I'm pretty sure he will do well with them since he helped me with a 500 piece puzzle a couple of months ago. He loves Dr. Seuss, both books & movies. He's gotten into Care Bears as well, he already had Wish Bear & Bedtime Bear from when he was a baby, so I gave him my Friendship Bear I've had since I was 7 years old and my Grumpy Bear that I got for I think my 17th birthday. He's so cute, he holds them like babies and kisses them, and tucks them into bed, he's even attempted to feed them a few times. He loves Disney Cars, so we are going with that as his birthday theme again this year. He is also obsessed with Thomas the Tank Engine, which Thomas has been associated with children & adults with Autism. Check this website for more info on Thomas the Tank Engine & Children with Autism: http://www.nas.org.uk/nas/jsp/polopoly.jsp?d=368&a=2683

Hopefully, we will have a year filled with memories of happiness, Joshua will start school hopefully in August, and I will as well be on my way to getting my RN. Wish us luck!

Suprise... Suprise

It's been a while since I've been on here and actually posted something, but since I tend to be on Facebook just as much as MySpace, it's a middle ground where everyone who doesn't see my MySpace blog to come & read what is going on in my life.

Joshua & I started talking horseback riding lessons back in October of this past year, and I was learning the basics of barrel racing, in order to compete one day. Joshua is riding for therapy. It's something he can relate to & he talks to the horses. It's been going well, Joshua enjoys it so much, and I am so glad that he does. My mom actually bought him a pony named, Phoenix, for Christmas, and a 7 months old horse named, Expresso, for when he gets much older. Both are very beautiful and gentle. It's so funny how curious they are of Joshua. They are always sniffing him out and following him around, if the can.

The evening of December 4th, came as a suprise to not only me, but Jodie as well. We found I am expecting again. Yes, after all this time, I am pregnant again. It was definately not expected, I was soon to be going back to school to get my RN, but I guess life had other plans, as it usually does. So my plans of going back to school are yet again, post-poned. I'm excited, but I'm also nervous at the same time. Some of you already know that I have had a miscarriage with my first pregnancy, & I went into preterm labor twice when I was pregnant with Joshua. So I've been on pins and needles a bit, worrying if I might, yet again, lose another child, or have more preterm labor with this one. I haven't had any morning sickness so far, just a lil' nausia every once in a great while, usually late at night. If my estimated due date is correct, i'm due August 2, 2010, so that would put me at exactly 11 weeks pregnant today. I'm glad that I will be having a summer baby, that way Joshua & the baby-to-be's birthday will have a good spacing between them, plus I'll be able to show off my baby bump at the beach, which I never got to do with Joshua, because I didn't start showing until it started getting cold 'cause he's my winter baby, and all you can do is winter is cover up & try to stay warm. I'm also glad I have had 4 years to appreciate and enjoy Joshua's milestones, and work with him as much as possible with his speech & other issues he's been having. We've told Joshua he is having a lil' brother or sister soon, but I don't really think he quite understands.

Joshua will be turning 4 in a few days, and we will be having him a little party to celebrate his first 4 years of life. It's not going to be anything extravagent by any means, I'm debating on baking or buying cupcakes (they are so much easier to deal with), plus if I get or bake of buy a cake, it's going to be a small one for Joshua, because last year, he had half a cake left after his party, and we ended up throwing most of it away because no one wanted it. Jodie kept telling me not to get the 1/4 sheet one, to get the 1/2 sheet cake because he didn't understand how a 1/4 sheet could possibly feed 20 people, so we ended up with a 1/2 sheet which was way too much cake for Joshua's party. Hope he listens to me this year. I still haven't sent out the invitations for his party, but I know it's going to be on his birthday, and it will be between lunch and dinner, so we don't have to provide a ton of food. I'm still trying to come up with some fun activities for the kids, so they'll all have fun, but the are all different ages, ranging for 6months old - 11 years old. Hopefully I'll find a happy medium for everyone. It will probably mostly indoors or atleast most of it. Which means the parents are going to have to deal with childrens movies. Joshua got so much stuff for Christmas, that we ended up splitting half of it up, and saving some of it for his upcoming birthday. I don't think he quite understands that his birthday is for him, and not just another day in his life. I wish I knew how to get him to grasp that concept, he has his own real special day of the year.

Christmas was good... tight, but good. Joshua got a ton of toys. He helped "decorate" the tree, which was really cute. We took our holiday picture as a family this year, we had a 4th in the picture that no one really new about until now, the baby-to-be. It took forever to get Joshua to hold still and smile, but in the end he did. We drove through Flowers several different times to let Joshua enjoy the lights, and he would fuss everytime we left. The men got restless so Joshua ended up opening his presents at Jodie's on Christmas Eve. The rest he opened at Grandma's, and then at his great-grandparent's. All in all it was good.

We're still waiting on Joshua's diagnosis. We find out on the 22nd of this month, what they believe might be causing the problems Joshua is having, and hopefully they'll give us a lil' insight on ways to better help him. Potty training is still very much an issue, but he is starting to sorta tell you that he has gone poo-poo or pee-pee, so we're trying to work with us on telling us before he goes, so we can get him to the potty. I've tried rewards, and the whole trip to the potty every 15 - 30min. with no success. He's got two books "Once Upon A Potty" & "Potty Time", and then a DVD "Potty Time With Elmo", which I believe has brought the idea to him of addressing what he is doing in his pull-ups, because us trying to explain ourselves didn't quite get there. I'm praying that we'll have him potty trained in time to go to preschool this year, it really needs to get done because they won't accept him if he isn't FULLY potty trained. It's very hard on me. I want him to go, so he can learn more and have more interaction with other children. He deserves it.

That's about all for now. Hopefully I'll remember to post again soon!!!