This month has been rough on me, and I'm not going to deny that I haven't been exactly happy. For those of you who do not yet know, my doctor appointment did not goes well, I found out that we lost the baby. I spent about a week crying off and on. Usually triggered by someone asking about how I was doing or asking about the baby, and when I had nothing to preoccupy my thoughts. This is my second loss, my first pregnancy actually ended in a loss at 12 weeks, but I can tell you that it doesn't get any easier. It is still your child, someone you love and care about. A mother's love is really amazing, the moment she finds out she is pregnant, she falls in love all over again. There is no way to ever explain how it happens, it just happens. So now I am left with baby fever, and having to wait to try for another. Jodie wants to do it 'right' next time. It annoys the piss out of me that I have to wait.

I'm hoping that I can get everything in its place, so I can start school in the Spring, April 5, to be exact. I've already put in an online application, and I've got to file for my financial aid. Going back to school is the best thing I could ever do for Joshua and any of my children in the future. I am hoping that I will graduate in 2 years, that way I can go ahead and start trying for another baby. I don't want to be to much older having children. I'm hoping I can go ahead and get into the nursing program as soon as I finish more core classes, that way I don't have to wait forever to get things finished.

This past Friday, we finally got Joshua's diagnosis. He is High-Functioning Autistic. I did not cry like I thought I would, the diagnosis could have been a lot worse. They are predicting that in just a couple of years that 1 in every 10 children will be diagnosed with some form of autism. Right now, I do believe it is 1 in every 40 children. Science has come a long way since the first official diagnosis in the 1940's. British have known and acknowledge this disorder a lot longer that the US. The US finally acknowledged Autism as being a disorder in the 1980's. Imagine how many children and adults who have went undiagnosed through all these years. Imagine all the people who ended up in the insane asylums years ago, just because they think in a different way as that of an average person who is not on the specturm. A long time ago, different was not accepted, it was feared, and it is absolutely dreadful of what they did to the individuals that did not fit in with society. No one knows the reason for why Autism occurs, there are many different IDEAS of why it may happen, ideas from genetics, to pollution, to the MMR vaccination, brain damage from high fever, mercury in fish, etc... There is no cure, there are medications that those who have autism can take to help them better focus and to help them not act out as much.

If you suspect that there is something not quite normal with your child compared to other children his or her age, I would definately suggest looking into the cause. It takes so long to get an appointment to have a child tested that it is important to make an appointment as soon as possible. It will help make way for a child to get the help the need.

Joshua is about to turn 4 years old in a few days. He is getting so big, he's about 42in. tall & 42lb. He has come a long way with his speech and occupational therapy. He's talking more than he did just months 6 months ago. His vocabulary has increased. He's helping out more with chores, picking up toys & laundry. He is still taking riding lessons. Joshua's grandma bought him a pony, Pheonix, and a 8 month old cold, Expresso, for Christmas. It's one of his favorite activities. He still puts puzzles together, he has several 25 piece puzzles, but they are very easy for him. He's getting two 100 piece puzzles for his birthday that he does not know about, I'm pretty sure he will do well with them since he helped me with a 500 piece puzzle a couple of months ago. He loves Dr. Seuss, both books & movies. He's gotten into Care Bears as well, he already had Wish Bear & Bedtime Bear from when he was a baby, so I gave him my Friendship Bear I've had since I was 7 years old and my Grumpy Bear that I got for I think my 17th birthday. He's so cute, he holds them like babies and kisses them, and tucks them into bed, he's even attempted to feed them a few times. He loves Disney Cars, so we are going with that as his birthday theme again this year. He is also obsessed with Thomas the Tank Engine, which Thomas has been associated with children & adults with Autism. Check this website for more info on Thomas the Tank Engine & Children with Autism: http://www.nas.org.uk/nas/jsp/polopoly.jsp?d=368&a=2683

Hopefully, we will have a year filled with memories of happiness, Joshua will start school hopefully in August, and I will as well be on my way to getting my RN. Wish us luck!